Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is proving heavy going. I expected this, since making a difference on this kind of fundamental level is a painful task. I'm a little nervous that the psychotherapist is interpreting my habit of saying nothing when I feel I have nothing to say as resistance to treatment. I feel like she might already be setting me up in her mind to fail. I have to keep an activity log as a sort of data gathering exercise. To me it just feels like meaningless statistics. It's hard for me to feel any enthusiasm at all for the idea, and I think that my skepticism must come over as non-compliance. I feel as though I've analysed my condition to death. The therapist, of course, hasn't. Maybe she can get something out of it I'm not able to. Who knows?
I feel like I'm not all there in the sessions. Basically I go into defensive mode and the part of me that is incredibly analytical proceeds to take over and run things. It feels as though on some level we're not even engaging with my core dilemma, namely the screaming pit of emotional despair at my centre. I'm not even sure it would be useful to engage with that part, but that's where I need healing.
Of course, maybe there is no curing that. Maybe all that can be done is to work around the edges of the problem, chip away at relieving the symptoms to give some relief from the disease itself. But I feel as though we could spend forever chipping away bit by bit like that. We don't have forever.